first post, trying not to mull it over too much. a quieter space, i keep getting lost on the other sites, its like every major social media company is slowly making its user interface more junked, like maximal, like overload! like ! !!!!! like a hoarders house of strangers images and words. "suggestions" so you never run out of things to sort through. classic complaint. enough with the obligatory complaining, i just miss boredom, and controlled boundaries.
a few months ago i kept having this fantasy that my boyfriend would leave me, devastating, we are in love, i just was afraid for no discernible reason. i plotted out what i would do in that case. i would move all of my things out of our apartment--very unladylike. it would be in the early morning hours. i would throw out most things i own. i would rent an apartment or an airbnb in montreal for exactly 30 days. i would delete all of my social media. i would drive up there alone. i would wear only athleisure- tennis skirts, yoga pants, soft and basics and all brand new and often monochromatic. i would eat clean and meditate, and cry. i would do pilates and watch foreign language movies. when i returned the assumption is that i would be healed. i feel sick thinking back on it, theres too many loopholes, and what type of consumption has entered my brain creases to fantasize about los angeles apparel, airbnb, and yoga with adrienne with connection to solving my worst fears?
lately on youtube ive been watching southeast asian teenagers redecorate their rooms. they all seem to have the same brand sponsership- shopee, one of those dirt cheap every item online marketplaces but it only ships to a select few countries in asia- namely the phillipines where a lot of them seem to live. they also seem to all have the same vision- "korean" style, minimal, white, ikea, lite k-pop, led keyboards that look like a typerwriter, tablet pens and plastic bins, washi tape and flannel curtains. always the same! i love trends like that. remember tumblr room decor? i love watching these videos because i can feel relieved when it turns out how i expect it to. structural integrity and loyalty to a shared vision of success. kind of like heavily structured neolib reality tv. "the makeover", i read foucault's "the care of the self" on that a few semesters ago, and i still think about it. cheers to those girlies, i hope they enjoy their new rooms.
one day i might come around to labelling your house. id put a picture but i cant even stand to look at it sitting on my blog. think homegoods and what the girls are calling 'modern farmhouse'. maybe if they didnt have such hideous fonts- the fake calligraphy and rae dunn shaky capitals. maybe if the words were incorporated into the design somehow, like embossed or stamped or branded, i could get down, in moderation. im often a harsh critic and i care too much about things i dont like to look at, it is a good practice to try and force yourself to like things, or at least always assume people are onto something.
is it normal to think this much about items? call it assemblage and continue on.
movies ive watched recently:
salt of the earth
this retrospection on sebastaiao salgado was pretty run of the mill rhetorically, and deeply reminded both me and ivan of our respective photographer relatives' big photo books gifted and stored in basements. It was like reading the tiny text in these books that i always skipped. i really like wim wenders i suppose though, so i gave this film a lot of attention i wouldnt have otherwise.
hooligan sparrow
its important to watch things by people more brave than yourself. it is also important, not just for arguments sake, to really remind yourself of the struggles of sex workers and women globally, and take your head out of the bubble of hulu onlyfans documentaries and mess of discourse and mediocre queer cinema projects. a part that stuck out to me was the art exhibit in America where Ye Haiyan's actual evicted belongings are put in the center of a museum. I thought about the ways struggle in China is translated in the US, and i felt sick and confused. Her activism and performance art, entwined, needs to be heard, but what ears does it fall on in this country?
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i become friends with emrata and kylie jenner
we hit it off
i ask them which one of us has more "real" conversations
they get offended briefly and think im talking about class
nonono, im talking just about varying degrees of fame, not wealth.
they dont know,
later they become faker as i wave hello, locking eyes with each other in some shared sensation of
oh, she thinks we really connected that time
a vagrant with rotted pickles,
a mansion with a whole trailer as its front day room, built into the side of a mountain
kris jenner checking under my fingernails for dirt
picking apart the rotted pickles for clean eats,
eating pickle parts dirtied with the vagrant finger's out of politeness
a vigorous high school gym class, and the logistics of changing into clean clothes afterwards for class
disfigured coal miners breaking in and bleeding
murphy beds and couch cushions turning into gym mats
im in facebook groups for many things: entymology, engagement ring shaming, tattoo criticism, landlord and property owners, catskills bungalow 1970's reminiscing, neighborhood groups, linguistics, multi level marketing complaining, sketchy sales, and apartment hunting. its called internet research! im collecting from nyc apartment rentals pages some of the most, what theyre calling these days "liminal spaces", I just wanna make them into sets or something, maybe like those dollhouses made in old tissue boxes, shadowboxes. with the sublet safe place rooms as the backdrop, and do some sort of teleplay with dolls.
in my classes i feel so odd because theres so many people complaining openly about wanting to die, adhd, depression, diagnoses, pain, stress, being behind, etc. Ive never felt comfortable in a space like that, i feel so compelled, even if i agree and relate, to distance myself from such open shows of vulnerability. intellectualizing my own struggles, optimism as a shield. IM SUCH AN OPTIMIST! MAYBE IM JUST A KISS UP!
"are you already sharing space with your mother? i just want to be very wary that the vaccine isn't 100% effective"
sometimes i feel so traditional, weirdly so. maybe im a capitalist......... no lol. i remember reading cat marnell's book, how to murder your life, and she distinctly identifies a respect she has, an admiration for her mentors, an admiration for those who nurture her and are above her. I feel that about my professors a lot of the time. cat marnell also identifies this disgust she has with the body positivity movement specifically in magazine culture in the early 2010s, not in a body shaming way, but the feeling of being raised with ideals that are suddenly betrayed. its whiplashing, discomforting. i feel that way about people in my classes sharing their mental health diagnoses unprompted in an unrelated class.
its also funny to see people misuse the word "quarantine" pretty much constantly. it feels like an open denial of reality. "Since we've been in quarantine...." to describe a period of disease proliferation. I haven't been in quarantine. I have a lot of thoughts on this that I can't describe yet.
the medication im taking has been making me wake up every single morning at about 8 am, wide awake, not being able to go back to sleep until 9 am. Waking up Hot, ALIVE, and half there.
im going to make an appointment to get some moles removed
im going to make an appointment to get my big back teeth mined, crushed and collected.
im going to make an appointment to go food shopping with my roommates
grocery list:
eggs
pasta
frozen corn
fruit snacks
red bell pepper
italian bread
ricotta pie
struffoli (honey balls)
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happy easter! I follow a bunch of "mormons" on instagram. its really the only reason i still go on instagram. I think only 40% of them are actually mormons, but i refer to them as such to my boyfriend out of a lack of a better generalizing term. almost all are religious. some sling youngliving thieves essential oils, most have affiliate links for everything they just happen to be wearing, and every piece of furniture they buy for their new texas ranch homes, and sell photoshop presets.
is it ethical to post your children at all?
i have the worst to do list for tomorrow/whenever:
• call cts and reschedule equipment rental
• contact great aunt and ask for interview
• pick up walgreens prescriptions
• call hsbc to reset debit pin
• cancel subscription to audible
• call man at the chase bank to ask about my account
i walked around white plains aimlessly yesterday waiting for my covid test. i walked to barnes and nobles because that the place ive always went in brooklyn when i was waiting. i was waiting all the time as a teenager with a boyfriend who would leave me waiting, sometimes for hours. no wonder this was my favorite band as a teen:
Im not the biggest reader, i can count my yearly book count on less than one hand. i remember going into the barnes and nobles to pee, one of the only public bathrooms in the area, always a life saver. i remember being stoned as hell and feeling safe in the barnes and noble. i remember reading all of scott pilgrim on the floor in the back once. i always wanted to sit on the floor, and would do it every time until an employee asked me to get up. i used to lay on the floor with a friend, and i remember we spilled five guys soda all over the floor, we were hysterical laughing trying to sop it up with bottom of the bag napkins. years after i would pass by the stain on the carpet, after i was no longer friends with that person. i remember sitting at the starbucks with one of those gross green frappe drinks, with that friend, she explained the plot of attack on titan to me as i spaced out into the pile of tumblr-ifed books that i would never finish reading at the edge of the table- lolita, the bell jar, etc.
i remember sitting in those wooden seats and looking through the secret language of relationships astrology book, and looking at my newest relationship expectantly, and seeing information that didn't make sense at the time.
yesterday when i went in during my covid test waiting time, i quickly realized what i should have assumed before going in, there was no seats. i paced the aisles, and grabbed a joan didion book impulsively, and paced the aisles at snail speed reading it. it felt really malicious for some reason, like they were forcing me out of a place that felt like mine. i kneeled down but my out of shape knees got tired quickly and i don't have the same teenager-y carefree-ness that used to make me lay on the ground until i got kicked out. i angrily bought the $16 book and left.
i love public bathrooms and benches and quiet pop music, walking on soft carpet in a basement, and those soft pretzels that only the barnes & noble starbucks have that have spinach and artichoke in them.
it might be sad that i have such affection for a place that put so many small bookstores out of business. theres a completely different appeal to a small bookstore, the smells, the community, the rareity, OBVIOUSLY! but it was never my place to wait.
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what if home depot was disneyland?
animatronic sawdust wet-dry vaccuum demonstration show, resetting and curtains drawing again every 15 minutes
cut your own wood stump with help from a chipper recorded voice and a bored attendant
mazes of lighting
climbing up shelving filled with tiny furniture
immense danger, but no one leaves
-
my room reflects onto onto the side of a building
next to others, like a dollhouse
it looks cleaner from far away
in the neighboring room, i can see an old woman sitting on a couch next to her dog
with television flashing on their figures in a dark dollhouse living room
but wait isn't this a bit invading?
-
laced with drugs by putting it in shoes
but isn't the skin on the soles of the feet a bit too thick for that?
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alligator swamp
stray dog family refusing froot loops from a food bowl
pay attention look at that gator quick, its what we came here for!
-
labrynth apartment complex
lost and trapped
tiny staircases with low light
making escapes with a group of rag tags
like caves
finding a door that leads to a center courtyard, instead of the outside world.
too risky to step outside
lobbies for rest, ornate and baroque and brilliant yellow rugs and armchairs and mantle tile
two of the rag tags start fighting, violent wrestle in the middle of the room
doesn't that look beautiful? the fight on old fashioned floor? can i take a picture?
worldstar video art
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giving interior design tips over a zoom call
the zoom call is color themed, some all green, red, blue
i dont have the costume but i have the input
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i wander off the rails and the train leaves without me and im phoneless, luggageless
i ask a business stranger for 25 cents for the grody payphone
he hands me one of his smartphones instead
i remember my boyfriends number but the touch screen is too messed up to press the right numbers
i start playing my candy crush clone app until i realize the business stranger is waiting impatiently
i get the call through and i say
wait for me somewhere in the station, dont move until i find you.
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its been 20 days since my last blog post, 3 drafts later, countless bruh moments later. i don't even feel like getting into it!
they gave me a notification saying that the widget for email subscribing is dissappearing, theyre getting rid of it, whihc was like, my favorite part of this site even though no one probably put their email in like i told them to.
too much pressure on composition. i think i might just make a list. 6 things for blog post 6!
1)
trisha paytas is less interesting now that shes well liked and has been emboldened on a moral basis. alex hrhcollection still exists in the liminal space of universal hatred, of the affect of anger and alienation at the outskirts within wealth and notoriety, embodying the angst of culture war with the discourse nonstop screaming back at her within her own mind. we all make enemies of ourselves at the same time that we ground our righteousness and faux individualism. culture war is schizophrenic. "get out of my god damn house" answering the hate we imagine to be receiving before it is received. Beyond ignorance into new territories of paranoid awareness and spite. alex hrh collection embodies whiteness in the trenches of its dismantling, or so i think optimistically at least.
2)
diary:
an arrangement:
flowers in two shades, candles, pumpkins, honey, oranges, fresh tilapia, a whole pineapple, dark liquor, tobacco, towels and old clothing, white outfits, a river and a shower, shoelaces and printer paper.
it sucks to give too optimistic of advice. the placemats im sewing for my mother are extremely flawed. my whole face itches from hay fever. i cant breathe well, ivan took a video of me making perfectly in tune hums between breaths while asleep.
me and my friends are contemplating baby names, if i give birth to a daughter on a sunday her name will be domenica, named after my great grandmother. if she comes out on any day and shes blonde her name will be flavia. mischa, giacomo, gita, simone, alba, harmony, alessia, massimo are others on the list. dont steal any of these once youve read this. i think everyone must have a list (see my favorite sex and the city clip) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s27NprKWiYw it will be quite a few years until this is seriously relevant. a true modern young woman activity is making a nursery themed pinterest board and considering deleting it out of guilt and fear every few days.
https://www.instagram.com/dow_30000/
my favorite instagram page ^ obtuse and absurd "natural world" adventures where reality and myth of biodiversity and unimaginable physiology coalesce and their delineations of "fact" cease to matter. true ecology includes storytelling, includes mythical projections and computer video editing, and absurd and horrifying material tech and tiktok songs that repeat themself and add meaning, and cross cultural fascinations- arabic devotional music and panicked and untranslated dialogue.hundreds of new fruits to cut into and squirmy slimey critters to slip between fingers. the intersection of satisfaction and shock and disgust.
some of my favorite:
https://www.instagram.com/p/CO1RMSIDyex/ a bike drives itself
https://www.instagram.com/p/COssdfqjFCJ/ tripophobia of a skink tongue
https://www.instagram.com/p/COOqd-JjDFs/ shoveling cell phones
https://www.instagram.com/p/COG8eLrDTIo/ eggs of some sort
https://www.instagram.com/p/CO1R3KADC3w/ prawns in a bottle
https://www.instagram.com/p/COG8aphDZW9/ acceleration
songs of the times:
hammond song - the roches
dreamland 1 - lip critic
oil of angels - cocteau twins
girlfriend in a coma - the smiths
chocolate and mint- duster
hurraw earl grey lip balm $4
lush cosmetics solid perfume in karma scent $14.95 someone got this for me years ago, maybe my mother? and im still on the first little plastic tin of it, because very little is needed to apply. perfect for the nape of your neck. i get so many compliments on this scent. citrus lovers welcome! i haven't been to a lush store in years, is lush out? i remember really loving their solid shampoos as well.
goatmeal - lustsickpuppy
the loan -lip critic
vamp fangs - bbygoyard
imovie 180 - MiMiDEATH
abusive - MiMiDEATH
sweet potato pie - dj assault
Trouble every day
Stalker
Songs from the second floor
The piano teacher
Lessons of darkness
Syndromes and a century
Nuts in may
Elephant man
Mister Lonely
Demonlover
Julian-donkey boy
Summer lovers
Wildwood NJ: ruth leitman & carol weaks
Mayor
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a to do list of already completed tasks:
spray paint the mirror gold
clean the fridge out
make puttanesca
paint the tv table white
do the dishes
make potato and leek soup
drill in bag hooks
reorganize the bedroom closets
make lentil daal
sew new pillowcases
vacuum the couch
cut up daikon for quick pickling
hang a fruit basket
run to the corner store for french bread and white vinegar
contemplate trying out another brand of cigarettes before the other two packs are done
apply to work at an organic grocery store
reset your debit pin
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When I consider The Real Housewives of New York I think of tiny dog shit on wood floors, and a flippant cynicism where deep insults only sometimes require deep apologies. The contrast between cramped Upper East Side kitchens made smaller by film crews and the swallowing anxious expanses of East Hamptons great rooms under permanently delayed construction.
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just act like this is a continuation : some lists to recount
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