journal for 2024 spring

I like making lists of shit i need to buy and then never buying it

for school startng in the fall i need some professional clothing, muji notebooks, a bookbag, merchandise from the school to garner the enthusiasm, nice looking walking shoes that arent gonna flatten my feet like these god damn mary janes i cant stop wearing

being a woman to me is going to the mall

driving 10 minutes with the windows down on the belt parkway

i am often wandering slowly around grocery stores, drug stores, big box stores

i am very very picky and i have an intuition for knowing that I could maybe get this item somewhere else less regrettably, and then never getting it from somewhere else. i am not a shopping addict

i like buying items together that are the same color schemes in their packaging, or have interesting textures

lacinato kale, scotch brite dobe colors line scouring pad value pack, breakstones butter, levys seeded rye, seventh generation all purpose cleaning spray, grillos pickles 

seeing them fit together on the conveyer belt checkout

i like walking around in a circle thinking

i even got myself a stable job where i just walk around in a circle thinking and touching merchandise

and then it got really annoying of a place to be walking around in a circle having fun because its a cultural institution and sensitive to the world moving and shit going down and then i became heavily incentivized to be very much not radical and very much kind to people i despise, wearing on both my strong resolve that previously defined me and increased my empathy in a way that is only sometimes positive. 

i have to go to the whole other side of the city to do it, but i love how being underground for around 120 minutes a day and i have to like.. fucking relax and read a book

Instagram reels has given me a disability

i need more things done

more done as in more things i can brag about and justify thinking of myself as a creative person

what i am usually able to get done is housework, which is incredibly rewarding but really not that cool

not something i can easily fit into a persona to present at some sort of.. diy show

and what do you do? 

i go to the mall, i go to the thrift store, i mopped the floors and I reorganized that pesky cabinet

and i was listening to the most wretched 10 year old reality television episode in the background while making dinner

im like a writer?? "i have always done that at least" is what i usually say

i love when im writing something and i have to look up a lot of things on a different tab

like directions on google maps from one place to another, or thesaurus.com, or what an object looks like visually

i use the internet so erratically and speedily i constantly have to go through robot checkpoints 

its been a difficult couple of months i feel like 👩